Confession: I have the attention span of a three-year-old. And I also have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of personality. There are two sides of me. Probably because I’m a Virgo with Aquarius rising, my moon is in Gemini, I don’t know. (According to Myers-Briggs I’m an ENTP-T, actually).
I get easily bored and I need to change things around me constantly. I don’t know if having multiple passions is a consequence or the cause of this, I only know that I love so many different things.
And I am aware that having many passions is normal and that most people are like this. But I can see how the majority of the people just stick to two or three passions at the most. I engage in all of them.
I love yoga, swimming, sailing, biking, hiking, meditation, spirituality, reading, writing, blogging, taking pictures, interior design, costume design, fashion design, saving pets, gardening, sewing, studying…and I could go on.
And I need to do all of these things, otherwise, I’ll feel like I’m not living! This makes me inconsistent in EVERYTHING because my day is a normal 24 hours day, I don’t have more hours than the normal. Being inconsistent makes me feel unsatisfied because I never really reach the goals I set for every passion. And it’s not that I set goals because I am crazy ambitious! It is something I do on automatic pilot because I love what I’m doing in that moment and I want to do it more, whatever that is.
For example. I love swimming! While I’m swimming laps and feeling great I’ll automatically set the goal of swimming 1,500 km three times per week because I love it so much and it makes me feel so good. But this goal will crash with some other goal I have already going on and with everyday life tasks. So I won’t be able to go swimming three times a week and I’ll feel like a slob. And very unsatisfied.
I have tried to choose. Really, I did. I have tried to select the things I love the most and I have tried to stick to that tiny list. There are things I love doing more than others, but they are still a lot. That tiny list was tiny for me but not actually that tiny! And, it made my life feel caged and boring.
I need to do everything. But I also need to organize my time better and learn to take decisions in a better way.
Last week I totally threw away seven good days.
I wanted to do EVERYTHING and I ended up doing NOTHING. I wanted to do some sewing but then the sun was shining so I felt the need of going for a hike with my bike, but then there was a drawing that I wanted to finish, but they opened the outdoor pool at the pool center where I swim! But then, this and that…
It went on like this for seven days. In between doubts I had to go to the office where I am working for a few hours a week, and then I had to dogsit Max every day, the house needed a good clean…etc. When I was free from all the tasks, I would start to act like an over excited three-year-old in front of Christmas gifts.
Which one to open first? The Virgo in me wanted to open one, but Aquarius and Gemini had their eyes on a different box. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Why can’t I open all the boxes at the same time? I need to choose one, I know. But what if in the meantime the other boxes are taken away?
The metaphor sucks, but it gives the idea.
Anyway, all this indecision had my brain spinning. Trying desperately to take ONE thing up and go, got me very tired and frustrated. The end result was total burn out. I went to sleep early for two nights straight to relax and read, and it worked, I felt better. But this behavior is an ongoing thing for me. This wanting to do too much and ending up not doing anything at all, it’s been like this since the day I was born, more or less. There are times when I am better but then it all gets back to the old way.
This happens with my work as well.
I wanted to be my own boss, work from home as an illustrator and designer ever since I was, I think, eight years old. But how do I combine the two things?
How do I juggle all my passions?
How can I do everything, be everything?
I can’t. That’s all.
I have to make peace with the idea that I am human, plain and simple, and that I can’t be in multiple places doing different things at the same time. It’s sad, but it is what it is.
So, after the total burn out, the three-year-old Virgo with Aquarius rising Dr. Jekyll side, signed a pact with four-year-old Gemini moon Mr. Hyde side (both big ENTP-T, so imagine the discussion) and decided to be JUST an illustrator and designer in the first place. As planned. And it’s already a lot since most of the people are just one thing.
I’ll schedule. It’s the only possible way out, as boring as it is for me. I’ll diet from all the passions. Like you weight your carbs during a diet, I’ll weight my time. Reading and watching movies will happen ONLY in the evening. Yoga ONLY in the morning before nine. If I have to go to the office, no yoga. Swimming ONLY on Wednesdays when the pool is always empty for some strange reason. The only days when I’ll do whatever I want whenever I want it will be on the weekends like normal people do. Because that’s what I am. Normal.
Or at least I try to be.